Want to tell a story of emotional mediation resolved with coaching so that you can give you an idea of \u200b\u200bhow it works. And
'experience made with French Maria Francesca, a friend who is a lawyer mediator
cirostanze
The eight women, each representing a class of a nursery school, were in contention with a man, Mimmo, a parent of a pupil who had been elected representative assembly of all parents. A
Mimmo had been given one thousand seven hundred euro all’inizio dell’anno scolastico. Mimmo avrebbe dovuto depositarli in un conto comune destinato a far fronte ai progetti deliberati per la scuola ma, una volta entrato in possesso di questi soldi, non li ha più restituiti.
Il conflitto non è scoppiato subito in maniera trasparente . Più di una donna ha sospettato che i soldi non sarebbero tornati indietro e ha fatto qualche passo per ottenerne la restituzione ma in maniera indiretta e non esplicita. Per esempio è stato chiesto a Mimmo di convocare un'assemblea nella quale sarebbe emersa la mancanza di questo soldi, però senza chiedere direttamente se i soldi ci fossero oppure no, se li avesse depositati oppure no, se se li fosse intascati e spesi o se fossero yet available.
As we were spreading some suspects had tried to open a dialogue with Mimmo, "if you need help, let's talk." In this kind of openings Mimmo has not been able to respond if not repeating lies and excuses because he feared the consequences of his act. The following communications
vague and equivocal approach continued until the case was presented to us after a few months, the evidence of lack of money entrusted to Mimmo nell'esasperazione and all the people involved.
First meeting with the group of mothers
During the first meeting we knew moms class representatives. They knew to come to mediation, knew that this was a location other than the court, but did not know what this meant in practice, so much so that were left helpless in our setting. In fact, we now
prevented the talk of reasons and wrongs (assuming that steal other people's money is not allowed) and we have directed our attention only to the objectives to be achieved .
This is unsettling for those who expected to receive "solidarity against" collusion, confirmed in its position of moral superiority, just and victim, and instead is found to be reminded of its responsibility to define what really want to get and to activate the behaviors helping to get it.
Identify objectives is less trivial than it seems.
Initially it seemed that the only goal of the group of mothers had recovered the money and punish the offending culprit: "You can not make him get away" "We were cheated," "We feel cheated," "She had thought of that before" "We must denounce "" It's not my problem if it's in trouble "" He told us a lot of lies. "
The emotion was strong, and initially expressed through anger.
Having in mind the sole aim of recovering the money, often the representatives seriously encroached thinking of involving the wife of Mimmo: "You work, must help her husband" "We need to talk with her."
So our first responders had to immediately redefine the boundaries of the conflict.
This is a very important operation because very often, if not done, the conflict spreads to involve people who are not interested in achieving the same goals and general perpetual unfulfilled.
To define the boundaries need to hunt responsibilities that define the identity of the system .
In mediation the goal is to give satisfaction to all interests of the parties involved identifying a context shared. It 'important to involve all stakeholders remain dissatisfied with someone else. It is equally important to involve stakeholders in the only game or the conflict widens.
It was not difficult to recognize that his wife was not connected to the system in conflict. In fact she had not given any commitment to the representatives of the school and any liability to her husband about her affair with him, leaving all other foreign people.
Since the first (and initially the only) target appeared, the recovery of money, was expressed with great emotional violence, we immediately dedicated to the quantification of damages in modo che le emozioni e i significati coinvolti fossero commisurati al danno effettivo e non ai sistemi simbolici più o meno esplicitamente coinvolti.
Nello specifico si trattava di milleseicentonovanta euro su una popolazione di 110 bambini, perciò all'incirca 15 euro a famiglia.
Questo ha permesso alle rappresentanti di demistificare la propria interpretazione del fatto, passando da "come si fa a rubare ai bambini!" (dove è il rubare e i bambini catturano l'attenzione e mobilitano principi etici ed emozioni forti) a "beh, in fondo mancano 15 euro a famiglia" il che muove un po' di incazzo e di frustrazione, ma sdrammatizzata.
E’ così apparso chiaro a tutti che the emotions involved were disproportionate to the actual damage that every family should have to endure.
"But then, if the damage is not so great, how come I feel so angry? . This question has permission to drive their mothers to the identification of less obvious targets, looking for what they really wanted. So
have emerged as additional objectives, prevent Mimmo to redo what he had done, not make him get away with, and answer the question "how to present yourself to other parents without losing face?".
Mothers representatives were in fact very concerned about the figure they would do in front of other parents afraid of being found guilty of the non compliance. The anger and aggression that expressed the desire for revenge for complaints and hid their own awareness that fear.
We welcome these new objectives and at the same time we asked them to be achieved within a system in which it acknowledged its responsibility total. What responsibilities do
class representatives that Mimmo withheld the money? Initially, this call to responsibility was rejected. "My husband is unemployed, but he never stole," "We have always given money in this way, we could not know What would have happened, "I do not have the money I made mica." All phrases that highlight the conceptual confusion between responsibility and guilt.
We then made sure that they understood the difference between responsibility and blame , without too much theory, with an example: what if we thought our son had left a camera unattended at the bar "lasciandosela" steal? "Obviously we could not consider the little guilty of abduction, but we would have given the irresponsible and ingenuous telling him that he should well know that it is prudent to leave a camera unattended in a bar.
mothers have found themselves very uncomfortable . Credevano di partecipare un contesto in cui si sarebbero sentite dar ragione, in cui avrebbero trovato sostegno emotivo e pratico per condurre una battaglia vittoriosa, ma si sono trovate in un contesto che le invitava a riconoscere pienamente la propria responsabilità quando ancora la confondevano con la colpa.
Le abbiamo lasciate dopo il primo incontro con il compito di ridefinire la prassi per la custodia del denaro raccolto, in modo da poterla sottoporre all'assemblea generale dei genitori così da recuperare con una proposta sostanziale la propria funzione responsabile di rappresentanti di classe.
Secondo incontro on il gruppo delle mamme
Al secondo incontro il gruppo delle mamme was presented with the task well done: the practice of delivery and custody of money had been redefined by consensus and not overly cumbersome.
This first work has won several advantages:
- made it possible to redirect the focus from punishment or revenge for achieving their goals
- allowed to abandon the illusion that it meant punishment
solution of the problem - has helped to recover the responsibility for its role as representatives
After reiterating the difference between responsibility and guilt, having redefined the boundaries of the system to be considered and after giving a dignified response to the objective of presenting to the General Assembly dei genitori, ci siamo disposti al successivo incontro, quello che avrebbe coinvolto in mediazione anche Mimmo.
Incontro con Mimmo
Per preparare la mediazione in cui sarebbe stato coinvolto con le mamme, abbiamo incontrato Mimmo separatamente . Lo scopo era di conoscere i suoi interessi e la sua realtà, ripuliti dalle bugie e dalle illusioni.
Da parte nostra gli abbiamo illustrato a grandi linee lo scopo e il metodo della mediazione, non gli abbiamo nascosto il risentimento delle mamme, e abbiamo chiesto il suo impegno a mantenersi nella verità pena la nostra incapacità di aiutarlo.
Mimmo è stato posto da noi nelle condizioni di dover scegliere in un attimo se rischiare the truth or remain stuck in his web of lies.
somehow managed to abandon the illusion that the lies could protect him and to trust in the truth that his interests might find more satisfaction.
Mimmo was finally able to admit he was afraid and therefore he had told many lies. He acknowledged that now lies had become for him a cage where you get stuck, feeding illusions of solutions, even before being able to embed the other.
In fact, by dint of telling stories, Mimmo could almost believe that his brother would have really paid the money, the company would pay the arrears, which next week he could return at least € 100 ...
Mimmo been unemployed for over a year, is 40 years old and two young children. He lives in the context of economic crisis and the work that we are invited to ignore the optimism from the tyranny of the regime and because of the guilt of the loser that allows you to feel superior, until we recognize ourselves as losers.
The difficulty does not reconsider this condition puts us in a position to justify Mimmo (because we do not talk about right and wrong), but puts us in a position to recognize the dynamics of what happened.
Mimmo, for example, has successfully completed a work of about ten days but is not was not reappointed when he asked to be paid as a young apprentice, due to the fact that 40 years and could have recourse against the employer who has legal permission to exploit a young but not to exploit a forty.
The recognition of this social context is not something the system in mediation can take direct responsibility, but it is a reality that can not be ignored.
Again our attention was on the cutting edge because we must be careful not to confuse the description of reality as an excuse.
First meeting in plenary
The next meeting has seen it all together: Mimmo was agitated, fearing the complaint. Not even the accusations it was easy to face reality. The representatives were excited in the presence of the person against whom they knew to point the finger in his thoughts of anger and revenge. They realized that it is easy to assume to punish someone, but it is difficult to want to do it if you must do, there, at that time.
The purpose of this joint session was to define a shared reality . It was to compose the puzzle of what happened through the display and sharing of all viewpoints.
A representative told in detail the collection and custody of the money until its disappearance, and continued telling Mimmo il proprio contesto, i propri pensieri, le proprie intenzioni ecc.
Ci sono state molto domande, spesso dirette e precise, fatte a Mimmo da parte di alcune mamme del gruppo.
Per le mamme è stato emozionante esprimere senza reticenze le proprie emozioni in forma di domanda . Per Mimmo è stato semplice e scioccante rispondere la verità.
Finalmente la frustrazione delle rappresentanti ha potuto essere espressa liberamente: il loro senso di tradimento non solo per la mancanza dei soldi, ma il senso di tradimento per una relazione mancata "Io lo incontravo ai giardinetti con mio figlio."
Finalmente, oltre alla rabbia, si stavano esprimendo anche la tristezza del tradimento, il senso di abbandono, la fear of isolation, discouragement at the lack of shared meanings, ...
Meet and moving.
The importance of sharing the truth is extraordinary. Allows us to understand what you are actually talking about and to reaffirm the boundaries of the affected system. Share the description of real puts everyone in the possibility of demystify and at the same time to express their emotions and seek clarification on the intentions of others. This
to ask questions about the intentions is another sensitive issue because on one hand allows you to find agreement on a principle of logic level than the other risk to become moralistic, educational and transform it into a process of plans.
"But when you got elected representative is already because you wanted to steal?" "What have you done with this money?".
Ask for what you have used the money is most likely a moralistic intrusion that threatens to distract from the goals of mediation.
is not helpful, in fact, that mothers are to replace Mimmo in judging the meaningfulness of the costs he incurred.
Therefore, our intervention was also conducted on a knife edge here because we could allow such an investigation intentions only to the extent to which shared values, but we had absolutely stop it when it became a process intentions.
That these questions could be expressed explicitly and could be answered was helpful to recognize the emotions related to reading and thinking at the same time dangerous because it allowed judges to stand in fields not their own.
We broke up after this meeting with the satisfaction of sharing a reality fully expressed, purified of the disintegration of the lies, the unpleasantness of suspicion ("I think I'm bad ...) and the confusion of the victim who feels guilty.
All this has enabled the emergence of a clear objective fundamental systemic so far remained unnoticed and unspoken: to ensure that the reports of all (including parents represented) to come back healthy and liveable.
We would see at the next meeting with the aim of finding solutions to make good money, to repair the face of Mimmo, and reset the system in a healthy relationship with Mimmo and other parents.
Second meeting in plenary
The most obvious compensation solutions have proven impractical.
- "But you can not sell the car?" -> "I use the car is not mine and I have not even enough money for petrol"
- "Ask your father and your mother" -> "My father is no Moreover, I keep my mother and my brother is unemployed, too. "
-" You should have thought before "->" Yes, I would have thought of that before. "
This first step of obvious questions allowed to resume contact with reality this instead of that image.
The class representatives have come to realize that their image of reality had been depleted by excessive simplifications .
has not proceeded in an attempt to seek compensation, but to create an environment risarcisse . A huge difference, because they create an environment that compensates mobilizes our responsibility and highlights the circularity : la restituzione del denaro sarebbe proceduta di pari passo con il recupero della faccia di Mimmo, il quale, recuperando la faccia, sarebbe stato maggiormente in grado di rifondere il denaro.
Per ragioni burocratiche la scuola non avrebbe potuto accettare nessuna prestazione di lavoro svolta da Mimmo a compensazione del debito. Ma la rete dei genitori, se fosse stata capace di assumersene la responsabilità, avrebbe potuto creare numerose piccole occasioni di lavoro che avrebbero permesso a Mimmo di restituire i soldi. Si è stabilito che Mimmo non avrebbe ricevuto il compenso ma che il corrispettivo in denaro sarebbe andato direttamente a risarcire il debito.
Mimmo si è dichiarato disponibile per piccoli lavoretti (imbianchino, facchinaggio, physical work and whatever else might emerge, if felt to have the power) and it soon became clear as the possibility of returning the money was closely linked and dependent on the ability of the group to allow parents to create environments gradually Mimmo's Community forum back in regaining his face.
In this way, without detracting from the responsibility of Mimmo, parents find their full responsibility, their ability to respond to the situation.
Now the representatives are in a situation not easy. They learned to distinguish responsibility from the guilty, but sometimes fall into confusion. They fear the objections
other parents just because, not having fully integrated this distinction, are witness to the difficulty of suitably to other parents.
Next Monday we will be meeting with other parents. Mimmo there will be. It was said to be willing to assume its full responsibilities in order to relieve the representatives who had given him the money. But it was decided that he does not appear now to avoid the phenomena of shame, and that will be declared its willingness to be present in the future if you ask.
The representatives will present it to other parents:
1. tell what happened so that you know what now officially circulated for Filamar, that the € 1700 raised for the projects have been subtracted.
2. Illustrating the system intended to prevent this will occur in future, thereby taking responsibility for their own representatives function.
3. recount the experience of mediation, the output from the illusion punishment equal solution, and the encounter with reality demystified the objectives to be achieved and the plan to build the Indemnifying context.
will be able to not fall into the trap of justification and wrong?
will be able to remain attentive to the objective instead of being fit in anger that makes them feel superior and righteous?
I think so, that will be able to because it has become clear that there are two directions that lead to opposite circularity. A
creates a vicious circle , supported by the anger (which hides their own responsibility) channeled from the search of the guilty as if it were a solution, a rage that feeds the idea "TV" of the complaint and that leads to tissue breakdown Neighbourhood social. This vicious circle has the unique advantage, perverse and expensive, to feel offended, righteous, superior courts. The second
virtuous circle that you want aims to 100% take their own responsibility, that does not mean depriving others. This is not to be distracted from distributing right and wrong, but to keep the focus on the objectives.
This responsibility is expressed in developing a new practice, sharing of reality made by Mimmo and, above all, sharing with all parents of the meanings that they felt betrayed and that instead they want to preserve.
The goal that everyone recognizes that the path that will recover the money is the same path that allows anyone to retrieve a face to meet up with through the testimony of shared values \u200b\u200balso, and above all, respect ai bambini ai quali non si vuole mostrare una battaglia di ragioni contrapposte, ma percorsi di pace.
Emma Rosenberg Colorni, da anni si occupa di coaching emozionale per la soluzione dei problemi e dei conflitti come consulente nelle organizzazioni e per i privati. Potete conoscere il suo lavoro visitando il sito www.emmarc.it
Maria Francesca Francese (m.francesca@gmail.com) avvocato e conciliatore accreditato presso la camera di commercio di Trieste, responsabile di uno Sportello per la conciliazione delle controversie a Milano.
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